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Hmm, it is two hours since Sue posted,so I wonder if I am safe now?
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I doubt it Linda!
hi Colin
Allan
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I suppose it makes a change for you Allan see someone else in bother
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Linda!
I would never laugh at another person's misfortune
*snigger*
Allan
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Good morning CC.
I saw an advert in a shop window in the Market Square a while back. They were looking for a "Part time person".
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Where I was working someone had written in the lost property register.
Black mans umbrella.
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Hello CC
Alas, my cruise through the Red Light District was just another product of my over-fertile imagination.
This has always got me in trouble, not least in my early years at Primary School when, apparently, I wrote a story about my father and a train driver going of drinking all day!
My father didn't drink and certainly did not know any train drivers.
I think that I may have won some sort of prize for the story as the teacher called my parents in to discuss the matter!
Allan
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I have turned our red light off whilst I have a sore foot.
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The following was sent to me by my daughter. I thought that they were hilarious
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
***
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft b*gger
Allan
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I am sure that your parents would have been delighted Allan. Your father will have given you a surprise once he got you home.
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PMSL Allan ,,,,,
They were very good.
Hi all
Persey
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Hello Persey
My daughter and I share the same type of humour!
Allan
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Excuse me! that is Yorkshire humour Allan not Lancashire.
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Well I'm off for a very early night!
Not felt 100% today.
Bye All
Allan
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I was googling for Lancashire humour and found this. Odd as it is American, but I thought it apt - for me anyway
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next day she was.
She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but is not nearly enough to even pay part of the rent.
I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me, I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later it’s all gone. I certainly don’t spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is taking it.
You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream, Lord knows she needs it. And money isn’t the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. -- especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I can’t seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she’d better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds, I suspect she realizes that and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I’m not home and altering my clothes so they won’t fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can’t find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized. She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I have carefully programmed it to do.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things -- like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out is a real challenge. Lately she has been fooling with my groceries, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality.
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my passport picture taken, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me! Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that that wrinkled old lady from my passport is me.
She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.
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Goodnight Allan, i hope you feel better tomorrow
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So you want me to move out of your place Linda.
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Love all the jokes:-))
Colin - you obviously don't know me well. I can be very mean:-)
I was sent this today.
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so
they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags
because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they
don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with
hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out,
and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot
luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Sue xx
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Good morning/evening, friends. It looks like being a lovely day here - blue skies, slight breeze. I love Autumn. It's so much softer than Spring. Of course you Poms won't agree:-))
Talking about getting older as we were. I find that most of the time I feel like a 30 y.o........but OH won't let me have one;-))) I get such a shock when I realise that my eldest "child" will be 36 this year. I remember being 36 as if it were yesterday. I have always been able to chat to young people but over the last few years I find that their conversation is peppered with slang I don't understand and they are likely to make comments like "my mother says that, too". It's a constant reminder that I am one of the "oldies" now. Having said that my nephews still got me up on the dance floor when we had a family dinner at the local club the other night. They weren't in the least bit embarrassed by dancing with their Aunty.
Sue xx
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