General Chat

Hi Sue, How very sad. I've done some research into the abused wife syndrome. I was one myself but didn't realise it at the time. And I worked in a Family Counselling Service at the time. Luckily for me, I was unpacking some government sponsored brochures one day and a leaflet fell out. It was titled "What is Domestic Violence?" I sat down there and then and read that brochure. It was such an eye openener.

I find that so many women don't realise that they are living in abusive relationships. Some of them think that the abuse they are tolerating goes 'with the territory' of being married. And they also think that to walk away from that relationship shows the world that they have failed. They are so indoctrinated by the male that the reason these things are happening is their own fault.

My ex realises now that it was him, not me. But it's far too late. It was too late long before I finally walked out the door. And I've got to say that, when we finally went to court to get an order to stop him from abusing me (at the police instigation, not mine) he was shocked that the Lebanese magistrate allowed the order. He told me, he thought he was home clear when he saw that the magistrate was Lebanese. Go figure !!!

But I do feel for your friend. She no doubt has also been brainwashed into thinking that 'if only I hadn't done such and such I wouldn't be in this situation now' which is the norm in these situations.

Fortunately, I had the support of a couple of counsellors that I worked with who helped me through the difficult time after the split; this is the sort of support women in these situation need and the sort of support that your friends husband disbanded by stopping your friendship with her and with the other 2 females.

I think my friend's husband would like me to disappear, too. But it won't happen. I'm a wake up to him. He's gotten rid of all her other friends except for me and her sister. I'm as pleasant as all get out to him when I see him. Even sit and watch tennis on TV with him and talk about subjects that interest him. I don't think he quite knows how to deal with me. haha.

Pam. xx

I know I'm late getting here and just when I would like to put my two-penneth in, too! Hope everyone is well.
I know someone like you are talking about. They don't seem to have any friends and the wife 'talked' to me daily by email. However, the computer was HIS, the house is HIS, as with everything else and one day he sent me an email saying "[she] wants to put the heater on in the daytime and costs ME money". How can it cost HIM money when they both get the same amount of pension, both of which go into their joint bank account!
It took me all my strength to hold back on saying something, because I tried to 'keep the peace'. He always 'vetted' her emails, both out and in, and eventually took offence at something I said to her and made it out to be totally different from what was meant, and from then on, I've received no emails from her in two years. I'm sure he had no friends to write to and was just plain jealous.

Berona: He sounds like a typical controlling person. Has to know everything that's going on because he's so insecure. The question is- why? Why does he feel insecure? Many men think that it's HIS money, HIS house etc. just like mine did. Got the shock of his life when he went to a solicitor and found out I was entitled to half the house, half his super (he was also entitled to half mine as well). I was entitled to half of everything. And he's never recovered from the shock. But really it's often that they are afraid the wife is going to leave them alone and they know they can't cope without them. I have found occasions though where the man was having an affair and was worried that the wife was going to find out, so it was a guilt thing.

Pam

Hello everyone. Pam - I'm sorry you had to go through an abusive marriage but so glad you were able to get out of it. Sometimes - as in my sister's case - it is so subtle that only other people can see it. One day I will tell you her story which is ongoing and has caused a huge rift in our family.

Today we went to the garden centre and bought a some shrubs to fill in a couple of bare patches. I also bought some seeds to raise some seedlings for spring - lupins, stocks, hollyhocks. Just love them. I was rummaging through a couple of old pots and found some bulbs that have begun to sprout. I can't remember what they are but as they're quite large I think they're tulips. I've put them in a new pot with fresh soil and we'll see what happens.

The weather has been lovely - warm and sunny although it still gets chilly by 4 in the afternoon. Well I guess it is winter after all. OH has just put on a pot of vegetable soup so we'll have that for tea with toast. Can't think of anything nicer on a cold evening.

CC - I'm not overly superstitious but I don't take any chances:-))

Sue xx

Hi Sue, Well, it's not pleasant going through an abusive marriage but I must say that my experience of going through retrieving myself and my sanity from it was a huge learning curve. I discovered that I have strengths that I would never have believed existed. But, of course, these are long, long stories.

We don't buy anything for our pots or our garden. The soil up here is so fertile that we just break a piece off what we like and stick it in the pot in dirt and it grows. We have a ginger bush which is very festive around Christmas time with it's glossy dark green leaves and large red elongated egg shaped flower stem (actually it's made up of lots of little red flowers in a cluster) and it grows 3 bright yellow shoots out of the flower cluster. Whenever we decide to trim it back we just take the clippings and put them in dirt and up spring more plants.

My front verandah area has a fenced off section (to keep dogs and horse off vertandah) and all along the fence 4 deep I have pots that have all sorts of different cuttings growing in them. There strawberry mango trees, poincianas, frangipanni, different kinds of cacti and goodness only knows what else. Eventually they'll get planted out somewhere on the 14 acres but I don't know where.

I'm not much of a gardener so it's a good thing they grow so easily.

Pam.

Sounds like paradise, Pam. I have a ginger bush but it's not giving me any flowers. I bought it at a gardening expo in Sydney last year and it's grown a lot since then....but no flowers.

After divorcing her husband of 10 years my daughter emerged a strong independant young woman and an excellent mother. She now has been rewarded by meeting a lovely young man who adores her and the kids. She deserves happiness and we couldn't be more pleased that they are engaged and planning a wedding.

Sue xx

CCChocolate Cupcake: I hope everything doesn't go in threes - I only have two feet to break.... then I wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

I didn't marry OH for his money - and sometimes I ask myself why.... but all he asks me is where, where is this, where is that... sorry he does also ask me have you seen ........ and if I say no .... he says are you sure. He keeps telling me he needs looking after and is always amazed that I seem to know where most things are etc. My youngest said to me one day "I am glad he is not my husband" and then she sais ooh that sounded awful but how do you stand it? I have always said it was like having three children at times not two... But we get by and present a good double act when we are with company. And we have lots of laughs - and he is getting better at DIY and now does cook the odd (nice odd) meal.
His mother once said to him you are very kind and he is that.

We have managed our money wisely made it work for us and our two and their families will do very nicely. I gifted them some money for three years after my father died ( you can only gift so much without paying duty on it) and that gave them both a boost.
A friend of mine once said to me how can you stand to have a threadbare carpet and pay for a private education for your daughters. My answer was you do what is important for your family - and besides I got a cheap rug from a garage sale to cover the carpet - it was quite an expensive looking piece that the people didn't like and it suited our place at the time.

Persey ( who had a lovely lemon crumble slice with my afternoon coffee today)

Hi everyone,
Perse, lemon crumble slice sounds nice. I think sometimes I prefer lemon to chocolate.
Back to work for me.
Sue, you got up early to watch the Fottie! I'm impressed. Luckily S.A time is more or less the same time as in the U.K

CC,

I fear that the certificate relating to your sanity has expired :0))

Heavy metal music. Have you no shame, woman!

Or do you intend to age disgracefully?

lol

Allan

There is nothing wrong with ageing disgracefully Allan. I intend to do so, of course i am far too young at the moment!!!!!

Hello all,


Sue: That’s truly wonderful for your daughter and I hope they will all be very happy. I also understand what a relief it is for you to know that she and the children will be happy and cared for.

Joan: There are many storied of women especially who have put up with abusive treatment within their marriages and have been made to feel that it’s their fault that the husband isn’t happy. One of the most releasing things I learned from counseling is that YOU are responsible for whether you are happy or not. No one else. Others may do things that upset you but ultimately how you react to that is up to you. You either own it (if you truly believe that it is something you have said or done to create the difficulty) or you don’t. And if you don’t, you move on.


CC: There must be something in that song that’s hitting a chord with you. I find it difficult to understand the words of a lot of today’s songs, they sing so fast, I’m a little deaf and they also slur their words together. Mind you, there are times when I do hear the words and wish I hadn’t. A lot of the young ones music today borders on the pornographic and even luring people into doing criminal things. Or is that just me??

Pam.

Hello LInda and Allan,

Nice to see you here around the same time as me. I must be getting better at this.

Pam.

Good to chat to you Pam, although I am off to bed shortly - nothing personnel, I just can't do late nights

Hello Pam and Linda

And good night Linda!

Allan

Hello everyone. I'm on a bit later than usual. Where's Tec? I'm always worried when we don't see Tec for awhile.

I've just taken my mum to the coach depot to start a trip up to Queensland. Her first holiday alone. I felt like I was seeing a child off. She looked small and very much a widow. Thankfully she's not the only person travelling alone. Mum's excited - I'm nervous:-))

Sue xx

Pam I'm usually on around this time, or even a little earlier. I wasn't on much yesterday as we had a few thundery showers and by the time those had cleared it was a bit too late to come on the boards.

Also yesterday was not a holiday in WA. We had ours last week for Foundation Day. I assumed that those in the Eastern States would be away doing other things.

Allan

Good morning Sue.

I'm sure that your mum will be fine, Sue

Allan

Gone already??

Pam, usually Linda is also on the thread earlier than today.

As Linda has just returned from a nice overseas holiday, there may be a bit of jet lag involved :0))

Allan

Hmm not sure if I'm doing something wrong here but it looks like I only get what you people post after I post and submit something. I sit here looking at the screen with nothing coming through, post something, and lo! there a few responses come through.

Sue, I'm sure your mother will be fine. Where in Qld is she going?

Allan, I think you WA people get short shrift. We get Qld Day plus the Queens Birthday weekend. Not that it effects me at all. Just the banks are closed, is all.

Pam.