General Chat

How do we cope, me I play music, write poetry and occasionally cry.

i tend to get hyper active , everything has to be done ,now !!(at least that's what I was like when my parents passed on .)

It depends who has died, and how close I was to that person. BC XX

When my maternal Grandad died, I focused on looking out for Nan, when Nan died I was bereft for a long long time.

When Dad died I coped by pouring all my energies into looking after Mum as best as I could under the circumstances and trying not to crumble.

When Mum died, I fell to bits on and off for over a year, the last few months have been better, but Christmas songs.....Mum died on Boxing day almost 2 years ago.... are an obstacle I have to overcome this year.

xx

*Hugs Kitty

Awwww BC.............thank you.

XXXX

Dad died on the 19th Dec 1975. He was going downhill from the 15th.

He was on morphine so was hallucinating and really out of of it . I lived in Kent but mum rang me at work in London on the Monday to say she was really worried about him , He NEVER wanted to go into a home and she said no way but she was all in a quandary. I said call the doctor , if they want him to go into hospital then so be it he would get all the medical care he needed . I would leave early from work and be at theirs asap in SE London.

I stayed till Thursday evening .sitting with him and reading out fictitious Charlton Athletic football scores cos he didnt know which day of the week it was but wanted to know how his favourite team did. the family home was just up from the ground.

On Thursday evening i needed to go home to get showered and change my clothes and would come back the next day . i did think as i kissed him goodbye maybe it would be the last time.

He rallied round after i left and was quite lucid , he then said "I am going to die arent i!! but I wont die today cos thats my peters birthday and I wont do that to him" Our Brother Peter was born in 1941.

he passed away in the early hours of the 19th Dec. I wasnt there which was a shame but really wouldnt wanted to see him go.

His funeral has to wait till after Xmas so wasnt a nice Xmas for any of us. the Funeral directors next spot was the 28th Dec but that was his birthday so was declined . he was cremated on the 29th.

Each 19th Dec and 29th is a sad time for all of us , we facebook each other with messages as we all spread apart all over the UK and in Canada

Coping is just that we all do it in our own way .

Mum joined him in 1980 just after our grandson was born so that too is a sad anniversary

Everyone copes in their own personal way because we are all different.

I do rather like these words :


When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room ...
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little, but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low;
Remember the love that we once shared ...
Miss me - but let me go!

For this is a journey we must all take,
And each must go along;
It's all part of the "Master's" plan ...
A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart,
Go to the friends we know,
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds ...
Miss me - but let me go.

~ Author Unknown ~



(((hugs))) to all those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.

I coped with no sleep for months,smoked 80 cigs a day and cried a lot and couldn't eatat all..

That was when my daughter died from SADS in 2009.

So sorry for you Sue - our children are supposed to live on afterwards. Such an unexpected death must have been horrendous.

In other circumstances, as BC says, it does depend how close we are to the deceased and whether we show our emotions or hide them.

When Mum died, I turned my attention to Dad.
When he died, there was the Funeral and Probate to sort out.
As both of them suffered from Dementia, I'd 'mourned' them before the event.

It took me a year after mum's death before I broke down in tears on (of all people) my line-manager's shoulder.

s BC says, depends on who has died - when my Dad died it was truly heartbreaking - I sobbed my socks off for months, couldn't drive past the crem which was on the way to my GP - had to take a different route - occasionally sat at the entrance to the crem when it was closed, as I felt when we walked out from the funeral that we had just abandoned him. It's over twenty years ago now and I still think of him with love most days.

When Mum died about five years later it was easier - she had been "out of it" for months and we were praying for her to go as she was in pain but unaware of her surroundings with no quality of life - while it was sad, it was a blessing that she was no longer in pain

When my lovely Lawrence died just over eleven years ago that was totally different from Mum and Dad. I wandered round in a fog for months, did everything I had to do on autopilot - hardly slept at night, creeping round the house so as not to make a noise and then realising there was only me there. As time went on things did get easier though music always triggered off tears.

I was in M & S once and I heard a woman saying "Oh where on earth is he now" and it reminded me that I was always saying that - made me smile, and so I said to her - "I was always saying that when I couldn't find my husband" and then I burst into tears - I felt dreadful and so did she - it just came out - I think she understood

Seeing couples out and about holding hands is tough, but I've got hardened to it now

When my mother died I just could not believe she was never going to be there again and it was alright.

The worst part was the awful dreams where she came back repaired.

I had always wondered if I really would miss her and be full of regret and, to my delight, I wasn't. Wondered why I didn't grieve at all until somebody explained that I had spent my life grieving for what might,or more correctly, should have been.

I think I started grieving for Dad the day he was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I know I got home from the hospital after dropping him off at home and sobbed - as much in anger at the unfairness of it all as anything else.
Dad didn't want to go into hospital or to a hospice so the wonderful St Giles Hospice at Whittington provided 'Hospice at Home' care for him and I can never thank them enough for the care and support they provided.
Dad died just 24 hours before his 63rd wedding anniversary, he knew the end was near telling mum ''I'm sorry I cant hang on any longer''
Coping with the death was actually fairly easy - I had after all been prepared for it for 5 months. I know the day he died mum and I spent the day sorting out his desk and tutting at all the clutter he had kept.