General Chat

You'll all be pleased to know that Fenwicks are getting their Christmas department stocked. Get in quick before it all goes ;-)

'The human imagination breaks free at Christmas, urged on by the desire to see our world as it isn't'. (The Irish Independent). :-P

Could not believe that some shops have Christmas cakes and sweets on the shelves, Dermot, it's over 3 months until Christmas, it's dopey :-|

Charity shops have had christmas cards for sale since the end of August.

Bah humbug. :-D

Just posted my overseas Xmas cards at what is called our local post office (it's in the papershop but it works). Saves me a fortune to send them surface but I have to say that this is the latest I've seen Xmas cards in the shops.

Yesterday there were none in Sainsburys only puds and mince pies.

If others are stacking the shelves with the cards, our Sainsburys will have them before the end of this week I suppose.

Lots of Hallowe'en stuff around though, in local Asda as well.

By the time Christmas comes, we will be sick and fed up of it all.

If I was thinking about Christmas now, it'd mean I had nothing to do between now and December :-)

By the time Christmas arrives, Easter Eggs will be passed their sell-by date & Jeremy Corbyn will appear on 'Jim'll Fix It' hosted by Krusty the clown. :-D

Two weeks ago when I went to a big garden centre they had all their christmas trees fully decorated and were putting finishing touches to Santa's grotto!!! :-S

I sat out in the garden to-day with my friends. I had to put the umbrella up because the sun was too hot! We didn't talk about Christmas, I'm pleased to say! :-D

Day One:-

Dear Nuala,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree. We're getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they're good friends now and we're keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again.
Yours affectionately,
Gobnait O'Lúnasa

Day Two:-

Dear Nuala,
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to some out in a week or two. The vet's bill was £8 but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write.
Yours ever,
Gobnait

Day Three:-

Dear Nuala,
We must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The mother was raging because the bill was £16 this time but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds' droppings keep falling down on her hair whilen she's watching the telly, doesn't help matters. Thanking you for your kindness.
I remain,
Your Gobnait

Day Four:-

Dear Nuala,
You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet's bill was £32. The mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend.
Gobnauit

Day Five:-

Nuala,
Your generosity knows no bounds. Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious. However, I don't want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.

Your affectionate friend, Gobnait

Day Six:-

Nuala,
What are you trying to do to us ? It isn't that we don't appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet's head from the pear-tree and his bill was £68 in cash ! My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way. You must keep your feelings for me in check.
Gobnait

Day Seven:-

Nuala,
We are not amused by your little joke. Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they've gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet. Please lay off. It is not fair.
Gobnait

Day Eight:-

Nuala,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home? Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother's rose-beds. The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the Battle of the Somme seem like Wanderly Wagon. The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium.
I'm very annoyed with you. Gobnait

Day Nine:-

Listen you louser !
There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight. I'm warning you, you're making an enemy of me.
Gobnait

Day Ten:-

Listen manure-face, I hope you'll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night. They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn't a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar. My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium.
You'll get yours ! Gobnait O'Lúnasa

Day Eleven:-

You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel,
It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends ~ the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like “Outlook”. I'll get you yet, you ould bag !

Day Twelve:-

Listen slurry head,
You have ruined our lives. The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, ‘cos they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they'd been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well. The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I'm sitting here, up to my neck in birds' droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds' blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree.

I'm a broken man.

Gobnait O'Lúnasa.

Brilliant!!!!

Oh! and Sainsbury's are off on the Christmas Chase also.......

Dermot

I love that monologue :-D

The first time I heard it I couldn't breath for laughing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQkF7fpw-wI

Chris

Chris in Sussex - 'tis as old as the hills. I remember first listening to Frank Kelly's rendition of it on Radio Eireann (RTE now) probably in the early 60s.