General Chat

Got any good - clean - ones???? Need cheering up!!! Clare x

Ello Claire. Ere's a joke. Ron *Observations from the Wise (and Old?) **1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 2. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 3. A penny saved is a government oversight. 4. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 5. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 6. He who hesitates is probably right. 7. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 8. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 9. Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 10. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. 11. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 12. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? 13. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? 14. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. 15. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free YET ?? 16. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 17. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 18. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened. 19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. 21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 23. If it were not for STRESS, I'd have no energy at all. 24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. 27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing. 28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails. 30. If the shoe fits... buy it in every color. Map out your future, but do it in pencil.*

Ello. And another. Ron A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.' Gordon replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.' Gordon said, 'OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Gordon answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!' But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, 'Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.'# A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Gordon said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!' Totally amazed, the farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?' To which Gordon replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!!' Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy *** The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!