General Chat

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that this is a word that is sadly missing from the English language today. If one does not respect ones self how on earth can one command respect from others?? Does the culture of this country today know the meaning of the word?? Sound like an old fogey but I remember when young people DID have respect for authority - where will it all end??

OC I was not talking about receiving respect I was talking about giving it. I truly fear for the future of our society.

Kris Someone put up a wonderful thread a while ago - a lecture which Bill Gates gives to schools and teenage groups. He says - respect has to be earned. You, as a child, have not yet done anything worth respecting. I know this isnt what you mean, but it is an illustration of what I keep on hearing from YOUNG people - 'Gimme respect'. No one can demand respect - but everyone can give it. You can give it to every human being on this planet and hope that they will in turn respect you. We seem to have bred several generations of people who have no respect for anything, let alone their fellow man. this is what has happened just before the fall of all the great cultures in the world. I am glad I am not young anymore, because I fear for tomorrow, when the biggest bully wins. OC

It's sadly lacking in my flat, too. I live with four girls of Asian origin and because they don't eat beef on religious grounds I make sure I cover it if it's ever in the fridge, yet one of them always complains loudly if I ever cook something like fish because she says it smells. They made a big show of spraying air freshener round the kitchen tonight. I'm in halls of residence and it's a living hell sometimes. This same girl really scares me. I don't know why. She just does. I'm from a meat-trading background so I'm used to seeing, but I understand that they're not so I try to respect that, but I don't feel like I'm being shown any respect in return.

Kate that's a really tough situation for you to be in, surely to have you respect them they need to respect you too. Is there no one who can mediate in this situation and help you, as you are outnumbered? Spraying air freshener around is not very nice or environmentally friendly, how about buying and burning some joss sticks, they seem to take away the cooking smells sometimes. In a way, they are behaving in a bullying manner by behaving as they do, so you need to get it sorted out soon, I think. Good luck, Liz I always try to respect other people but have had numerous run ins with neighbours who do not care that their loud music or barking dogs upset others (I have owned a dog and made sure she was not left to bark and upset anyone), or that the way they selfishly park leaves others in difficult situations, etc etc. The problem is that instead of trying to sort out the difference of opinion especially if a youngster is involved, say a teenager playing loud music when parent is out, the parent will defend the child without even checking the set up, and then the child learns that it is ok to carry on being unco-operative, as their parent has sided with them. Someone I know was called to the school as his son had called Germans Krauts, and said that was what his father called them, the teacher was upset but the father maintained it was his right to call people what he wanted to and it was ok for his kids to follow suit. This man is still a racist and a bigot and consequently his sons are too. Multiply that by the thousands of similar parents and this is where trouble begins.

Thanks, Liz. Thing is, I shared the flat with this same girl last year (didn't know then that I would have the same flatmates this year). She's really tactless and loud, and I'm very shy. The irony being, because I'm not confrontational, I don't like to say anything because I don't want to upset people. Last year, going back to the meat thing, I kept getting left anonymous notes in the kitchen if I forgot to cover it up, and eventually I cracked and went to talk to reception about it. I think I might go back to talk to them about it in the morning. This being my final year, I don't want another year like last year. I'm doing a design degree so it's a lot of work and I don't want to have to worry about this as well.

I dont do busses often,,but a few months ago my 15 year old son and I were going into town by bus ,,the bus was full,,,lots standing,,an elderly lady got on and my son got up and gave her his seat ...about 8 stops later the lady turned to me and said,oh that young lad is still standing there...I thought he got up to get off..and I did'nt even say thank-you...you just dont expect to come across well mannerd kids these days...To which I replyed I know what you mean - but that one knows better -- he is mine !!! I was so proud off him...as he did it off his own back with no prompting from me...

well done to your son Sally A few years ago we went on a train with my elderly mum who has a walking stick. We had booked seats but as the train was so full we just got on and tried to squeeze our way through to the correct carriage. I kow the train fares are expensive but when we finally got to our seats people were in them and were refusing to leave. They cold see my mum was desperate for a seat. Luckily the ticket guard came along so we were abv le to claim the seats. But we have also been on a train when nobody would offer her a seat and she had to stand for about half an hour.

Sally, meant to add last night, that you have a son to be proud of, doesn't take a lot to teach them respect or thoughtfulness and manners eh? Stands them in good stead later in life, tho and worth the effort. I am attending a funeral today and my son (24) and his friend will be there too, have taken him to funerals since he was 7 to learn how to behave and to show respect, now he is the one who ticks me off if I talk in the church!!!

Just wanted to update (and ask for some advice) - I went to reception and she said that we should sort it out between ourselves because we're over 18, but she didn't seem to get that I'm too scared of this girl to confront her about it. Unfortunately, the uni housing office is closed till Tuesday as it's being relocated to another building and my parents are in Spain on holiday so I haven't got anyone to talk to about it and I really don't know what to do. The woman in reception was no use at all - she just didn't get what I was telling her. I really want to move to another flat but she says there are no free rooms left. The only thing I could think of to do was e-mail the propert company who own our halls, which I have done.

Kris...You may have seen my thread about the bully. As a Mother I would be horrifiled if someone knock on my door and said Your son has just swore at me. I still live in the community I was brought up in. So most of my neighbours I went to school with their children and still call the Mr and Mrs...and so do my children..

Kate, please don't feel all alone, it might not be face to face but you have us on here to talk to. Its a tricky situation isn't it. If you say too much about your flatmates,you are accused of racism, when it is only really a difference in likes and dislikes. I can understand you are feeling intimidated by this girl, and it doesnt have to be for a specific reason, you just do, because of her manner towards you maybe, or a general attitude. I hope you can find a resolution to all this.

Kate I am sorry that you feel intimidated by this girl. She knows you feel that way and that is why she is pushing it I am afraid. As you are a non-confrontational person then you don't HAVE to confront her with this, but you could say 'I know meat offends you, and I am doing my best to keep it away from you, but is there something extra I could do?'. It is then down to her to suggest what you could do, and puts the responsibility in her court. If they make a big play of air freshening, just laugh and say 'yeh, doesn't fish stink, sorry!' - it really isnt worth having a head to head, just because they spray air freshener around - you could do the same when THEY cook something you don't like. And - I have to agree with the lady in reception - you are an adult now and you have to sort this yourself, scary as that is for you. The sooner you are able to deal with this sort of unpleasantness, the less likelihood that you will become a victim of adult bullies. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, it is kindly meant. Be brave, stand up for yourself. You can do this without shouting or falling out - just calmly state YOUR feelings and leave it at that. Let us know how you get on. OC

Kate, you have plenty of literature available to you at Uni, why not look up some stuff on assertiveness. Assertiveness isn't about shouting and being the loudest, its about dealing with things calmly and rationally. More often than not, a softer lower tone, speaking slowly will do it. (trust me I worked in a call centre, the first qualification for the job was a degree of assertiveness, due to the abuse we got) Try it, or take a short course in assertiveness techniques, not just for now, but to use for the rest of your life. You will be surprised how effective it really is.

Thanks, OC. I will try, but the problem is I'm just too frightened of her. I was always brought up not to make comments like she does because it's rude, but obviously she wasn't. It's just getting me down because I thought maybe she'd be different this year and she isn't. There is one girl in the flat who I do get on with really well so I'm wondering if I should talk to her about it, see what she says. I'm just so fed up at the moment and I don't want to be here.