General Chat

yeah totally agree Deb, my mum was on her own and brought me up, she was a very strong woman very forward-thinking for her time. She survived and taught me to be strong and never put up with anything. I'm so glad she did. cheers deb catherine xx

Catherine, your probably right it will happen again and again. Some of these women came from abusive families and then married abusers, so don't know any different, some do know but have been beaten down so emotionally that they believe they will never have anything without these blokes. Takes a lot of work and self esteem building before they get it that there is a life without abuse. In the past six months I have housed 7 women who were victims of abuse within three months of being housed 5 of them had the abuser move in and within couple more months were pregnant with yet another child. Cycle goes on and on. and with another child on the way they don't think they can make it on their own. Feel like yelling sometimes 'Moms teach your daughters they can be independent and are worthy'

Thanks AL that is probably the best way I can approach this now, be there for her, but don't discuss the bloke. Deb, I feel this will happen to my friend again and again, when he dosn't drin he's different and when they both have had a drink it's hell. catherine xx

Catherine, I have the unfortunate task of working often with women who are from abusive relationships, we offer housing to help them excape from this lifestyle and I can attest that almost all of them end up back with their abuser within weeks of being giving the opportunity to escape. Unfortunately Canadian statistics show that it often takes them 4 to 5 times of leaving before it's for good.

A guy I was engaged to hit me once and tried to strangle me. I ended up in hospital with bruises all around my neck and a broken wrist from where he bent my thumb back. He never got the chance to do it again. I can't understand why some women go back time and time again for this violence. In my opinion a leopard doesn't change its spots. One of my friends went through this 4 or 5 times and kept going back with the guy. I supported her at first - ok she wanted to give him a second chance, etc, but in the end I said 'I'm your friend, I'll help you as much as I can with anything, but I can't handle sorting you out everytime XX acts like this. You've asked me what to do in the past and I've said you shouldn't get back with him and you've ignored me, so don't ask me anymore and I won't discuss XX with you anymore'. She went back one last time, ended up black and blue again and then she did finish with him. I guess some people just want to see the best in everybody and she really thought he hadn't really meant to hurt her and would change. Some people have to learn the hard way. AL

Catherine honey you are their friend and as such you can only advise them, the ultimate choices they make have to be their own, love is not a tap, you cannot turn it on and off when you want, these women have history with their partners (and 1 has children) it must be very hard for her to look at her child and not have some affection for his dad, i'm not saying they are right to get back with them but as a friend you must decide if you can support them through this tough time, if not you need to consider backing off until they are more settled.

I think she stays with him cos he's loaded and she's use to the life style she has. She met her ex at 16 had an affair with this guy and dumped her husband for him, now ex wants her back, who is a nice bloke, I feel for him cos she uses him, I have told her not to do it. But I'm so angry with her. catherine xx

but they get sweet talked into going back.its the fear factor again of how will they manage on their own.

I too will never, ever understand someone who stays with an abusive/violent partner.

One word Catherine....fear.

My friend recently split from her partner who has on two occasions been aggressive, then violent towards her. He moved out 2 weeks or more ago, and it's not been good with all the name calling etc, she was wondering wether to still go away with him (they have a young son too) cos it was a free holiday, I said your solicitor wouldn't be impressed after what he did then you go away with him. She could see my point.(he drinks loads too) I have just found out that she has got back with him. I am lost for words, she hasn't told me personally, cos she knows what I would say. We are suppose to be going away for a few day in Aug with our children, now I don't feel like going. I'm also lost for words with another mate, who split with her husband, only to take him back, cos he basically lives in the pub, 3 times now he has said he will mend his way, but that dosn't happen and when they both get boozed up it all kicks off again. Why do these women let it happen to them, my friends too. I think I'm the only one who has a fab marriage and relationship with OH catherine xx

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