General Chat

some old but still worth a chuckle

Marriage (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding he laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?' His new bride said, 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.' (DAMN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' 'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband Stiff at Last.'' (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. After sometime he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'what took you so long to answer the phone?' She says, 'I was in bed.' 'In bed this early, doing what?' 'Getting a second opinion!' (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home 'Mother of six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, 'Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.' (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ***************************************** THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't waked him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!' (Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.) ********************************************** God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

PMSL Diana!! My 5 year old has just been asking me why I`m laughing.......!! Diane:)))))))))

Nice ones Germaine x

they may be old Diana, but they sure made me laugh

Very Good. R.B.x

i'd like to add this one, (one of YOURS, I believe, currently on alaina's thread) The Sixth Affair Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 'Becky my darling,' he whispered. 'Hush my love,' she said. 'Rest, don't talk.' He was insistent. 'Becky,' he said in his tired voice, 'I have something that I must confess.' 'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Becky, 'everything's all right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!' 'I know, my sweet one' whispered Becky, 'now let the poison work.'

Excellent! Although my hubby's well and truly in my good books at the moment! Daisy

Very funny Diana :-))

Diana - they are brilliantly funny!! xx

really cheered me up on the day our cat was put to sleep brenda

oh Bugs.... I'm so sorry to hear that!!