General Chat

we Brits have a sense of humour..

Proud to be british Be very proud to be British Because: Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke. Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth. 8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars. And finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet. RULE BRITANNIA!!

.................BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES........... Good stuff Grampa... & all of it eerily correct!! Lol!!!!!! ;0) Joan (you put the smile back on my face!)

hI jIM- iTS ME. i LIKE HUMOUR. i ALSO LIKE SLAPSTICK

Best thing about British humour, I think, is that we can laugh at ourselves. CB >|<

Thanks grampa Jim ,i needed that to cheer me up ,and iv'e had a good chuckle over it.Fred.PtfT&A&G&G&S.

Oh me too. Hilarious but so true!! J :-))

Grampa Jim Have just read that out to hubby and then had to print it out for him to take to work for his workmates! Very funny Please find some more!! Maz x

Here's another one:- How to give a cat a Pill 1. Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill. 4. Take a new pill from the bottle, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from atop the armoire. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from the bottle. Make note to buy new ruler and curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for repairing. 8. Wrap it in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon. Flick pill down throat with a rubber band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink another beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt in trash and get put on another one. 12. Call the fire department to get the bloody cat from the tree across the street. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid hitting the cat. 13. Tie the little b*****d's front paws to rear paws with duct tape and bind tightly to leg of table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home to order new table. 15. Call and make arrangements for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call the pet shop and see if they have any hamsters.

Thanks Grampa, needed a good laugh today. Jxx

Jim, Very good indeed. your tongue must be bursting through your cheek. Happy days

hahahahahaha....Oh dear rpmsl. What a scream, I needed that. Thank you Jan :-)))))))))))))))))))))

Proud to be British because you would have a hard job finding someone like Grampa Jim anywhere else other than in Great Britain xxhugxx