General Chat

Just want a quick winge. My four year old step daughter normally goes home after tea on a Sunday, but we've had a call tonight saying her mum's got flu so can we keep her till she's better and take her to nursery (1 hour away) etc. Obviously we're more than happy to do this and have more time with her, but the fact that I'm the one that'll take her, pick her up, and have the rest of the days with her because my partner works long hours, doesn't seem to cross her mind. I answered the phone, and instead of asking me if I'd be able to do it, she asked to speak to her ex. When I asked if everything was alright she was really rude and abrubt and repeated her question of 'can I speak to him'. Low and behold when we've tried to call back an hour later just to check if she needs to take anything to nursery with her, there's no answer from any number! Would it hurt the woman to be civil to me when I'm the one who'll be looking after her daughter. Thanks guys, rant over x

Thanks Deanna, Glad it's not just me - I don't know any other step parents so it's hard to get others' view points. I'm well aware of kiddies picking up everything - I had a very strange, strained and tension filled upbringing and remember all too well feeling things I shouldn't have had to - hence my need to winge on here rather than outloud! lol I find it all so so hard - what age did it get better for your hubby? Please tell me 5 years old! Emma x

hello emma:) i was..am..a very lucky stepchild.. my dad ran away when i was 2..never seen him since..4 of us grew up without him..mom was both..then when i was about 11..mom met a man..he became stepdad..super super man:) i know its not what you was asking... but i really done feel i came from a broken home:) i hope all works out well for you all:) terry

Oh Terrence, I'm really glad it worked out so well for you. I find it so heartbreaking sometimes. I paint pictures with her for hours - she only wants to take them home for mum - none for dad. Make Mothers Day cards etc. for her mum but her dad never gets anything sent down to us that she's sat and made. I bake cakes and cookies - she only wants to eat one whilst she's here as there all to take home for mum. Made all her favourite meals this weekend - just for everybit to go in the bin because she no longer likes any of them, which we know is just a fad 'cos she does really like them.

I found your last comments really sad. This little girl is probably being fed a lot of rubbish by her mother about you and needs to learn how to share and be thoughtful and considerate. Children are never too young to learn these things and if it were me, when she wants to take everything home to Mum, I would say 'well, let's leave some here for us to look at, eat, whatever so we can think of you when you are not here because we like to remember your visits and we are very proud of your pictures. We can share them with you and mummy' or words to that effect. As to the meals, I would not pander too much to her fads, maybe before you cook say what things do you like this week out of this and this? and then if she won't eat them when you have prepared them, give her something really boring or plain. She will manipulate you if you let her but if she learns the boundaries you won't need to be so frustrated. I have done lots of child minding over the years so have cottoned on to some of the tricks kids use between adults. Good luck.

Emma i have in the past been in your shoes, as for the ex she is most likly scared that her little girl is more happy with you and her Dad, but at the same time wants to try and push you to your limits. For years i bent over backwards to keep everyone happy and like you say never seem to get a thank you. Not that you want a thankyou but when it is you doing the caring for and i am guessing your partner has not said a Thankyou. I calmly told my partner no to assume, and to ask if it was ok and make sure that i didnt have any plans that need to be change. And then I one day Phoned the ex let her know that i was not trying to be a mum to her children all i hoped for was to be a friend. And that she should see it as a bonus that the children had another adult to talk their worries over that they often didnt want to with either of their parents, as it is better that someone knows,and that they are not holding it in causing them more pain. It helped. Sorry seem to have gone on a bit. But talk it through with those that need to hear. It will get better. Shaz

Once again, I'm one of the lucky ones. When my parents married, Mum had been widowed and Dad divorced - his children living with their mother & her second husband. In that sense, we're not like step-brothers & sisters (or step-parents), in that we have never lived in the same house. However, Dad's first wife had been a good friend of Mum's, and they decided to continue being friends - so when i was growing up and we had family birthdays, there was Mum & Dad & my brother & me, Dad's ex-wife and her children with Dad and her children from the second marriage (which also broke up), the second husband, and the third man in her life. We've all always got along well together. (Though I always had this dilemma as child as what to call my father's ex-wife ...she rang up one day and said 'It's Alice here', so that solved that one!) When she had her 80th birthday, Mum & Dad & I were invited, and she insisted on us being included in her 'family' photos on the day. It's continued through the generations - Dad's eldest son was divorced & remarried 20 years ago, but his first wife still sends Mum a Christmas card every year, and comes to all the family functions. At the 80th birthday party, Alice's daughter from her 2nd marriage introduced me to her new boyfriend with the comment 'This is my brother's brother, but he's no relation to me!' Makes a difference not living in the same house and growing up together (Dad had no contact with his 'first' children for several years), but our 'extended' family is certainly unusual! Noel

Emma i know how you feel, i have 4 step children, 1 lives with us and is not a problem, but the other 3s mum, does my head in, she rings all the time can we do this can we do that, i wouldnt mind but like you my hubby is at work and its me who does it, 2 of the children are not my hubbys but he looks at them as his own as he was with them from an early age, we have them twice a week and friday to sunday every other weekend, then she tries to make us feel bad and says we dont care about them etc, she makes me mad, i dont mind doing anything for the kids but i wish she would ask me as its me that is here with them, the only time she rings and asks me is when she is stuck and my hubby is at work, but when we ask if we can have the kids as we want to do something it seems she makes up every excuse in the book, sorry to moan, but i know just how you feel lol, i wont go into my ex with my kids lol kim

Emma i know how you feel my 10 yr old informs me today that my hubby has told his ex that their daughter can come and stay over here for a while because her marriage is going through a rough patch,when i asked him about this he said well yes she is my daughter and i said one reason i left the uk was because of all the s*** we had with her and her mum and we have a new baby on the way and its not agood time but all i get is a mouthful so i know how you feel sometimes i feel as if me and our boys are second in his life , and his daughter has also told her stepfather you shout at me my uncles will come down and sort you out (my brother in laws) when i told my hubby she is very disrespectful to say that and again more abuse so emma chin up and grin and bear it

Emma, I think your little step daughter is just being her age. She isn't old enough to understand adult relationships and to her your husbands ex is just her 'mummy'. All little four year olds are close to their Mummies and will want to take pictures etc home for them, because this is what they are encouraged to do at nursery. And all little ones have food fads so best not to make an issue of it. i am sure she is happy with you or she would be upset all the time. it is a great disruption in a little one's life to be sent to stay with Daddy for the weekend, especially if she was very young when they split up. try not to take the way she behaves personally, it is hard being the adult but she will pay you back as she gets older and understands the situation. Ann Glos

Emma..i know the feeling too...i have been step-mother to my partners 3 daughters for 11 years..i also have 4 daughters of my own...now all the girls are older it's not too bad but we have been through so much c**p but always came through it. His ex is the same with me...when his kids come for tea if their mum has been working i send her a dinner home too...but she still cant find it in her too be civil to me...there is no simple answer to such a simple question...but hey....that's life..!!!

Morning peeps, I've just got back from the nursery run and thought I'd log on with a cuppa and de stress for a bit before I hit the supermarket. Thank you all so much for your stories, view points and words of encoragement. I AM NOT ALONE - YIPEE! As she wasn't quite one when their marriage broke down she doesn't remember anything other than her daddy and I living together and her mummy and her partner too so I do think I'm probably lucky in that respect as we won't have all the questions that other couples have to face. Her mum also has two stepparents and is closer with her step mum than she is her own mum. That could work well as she can explain first hand when questions arrise, but also badly incase she doesn't want her daughter to have the same sort of relationship with us down here. Sharon said I probably wasn't being thanked for the things I do. You're right. I've just phoned him to let him know she was fine and not even the word ta passed his lips. Hey Ho. Sometimes I think it would be far easier if we had her all the time, obviously this isn't possible, and of course it's better for her to have both parents around - but the little mite gets passed from pillar to post all the time she's with her mum, she doesn't know who's picking her up or what bed she's gonna be waking up in sometimes. Doesn't help our efforts in trying to make a stable second home for her. You've probably all guessed that I'm not a mum myself and probably never will be. My partner never wanted a family, knew he would be a hopeless dad, and he is in someways. (By his own addmission, I'm not being rotten.) He loves her dearly, and she knows that and he shows her all the time, but with the day to day stuff he is a bit clueless. Em x