General Chat

Names, dad is in West Sussex but the person who lives with him was a good friend who has become his "unofficial carer". he doesn't claim carers allowance for him. he is also a lot younger at 67(dad is 87)

Dads very old school and doesn't like strangers coming to his flat and likes to keep all his affairs private.

But they said because he had someone living with him that could assist if necessary, he was allowed home .

It depends on the person's needs. My dad can still manage to bath himself, get dressed etc and make light meals. Whereas with Joan's hubby, he's not very mobile so his needs are far greater, It also depends on your home.

If all your bedrooms are upstairs and it's not possible to make a bedroom downstairs and your bathroom is upstairs, that would make it not very suitable for a person with mobility/other needs.

It's a very hard situation to be in with no easy solution.

Big hugs to Joan

<3

Florence in the hebrides

Morning all...just

Crisp winter's day here. Bright and sunny but oh my a very heavy frost. The loch is frozen as no water moving. Think it's 2 degrees.

Daughter gone away til Friday so peace and quiet and a tidy house lol. I have several replies to do from xmas cards. A friend of mine, her hubby died several months ago and another isn't well so I need to write one of my handmade blank cards for each.

Got my appointments sorted. Optician 25 Jan, Bone man re organised for 26 Jan and then reorganised Breast screening 30 Jan. So end of month i shall be gallivanting for 3 days :-D :-D :-D

Put out some bread and bird seed today and the usual family of crows, seagulls, starling, blackbirds and pigeons descended in their hundreds fighting over the food! But then suddenly little Robbie was perched in my big black tub as daughter threw some seeds in there Haven't seen Robbie for ages so was a delight to see him again.The ground is so hard with frost, it makes it difficult for the birds to search for worms etc. But like a giant hoover, the food was all gone in minutes!

My Amaryllis plant is about to fully open. The tallest of 3 flowers and its bright red. They will look beautiful once the 3 are fully open.Never known a plant to grow so quick.

Estate agents just phoned to say, everything is bobbing along very well. Searches etc have all been done. My paperwork was sent Friday but no sure if brother has received it yet. The post is so slow. We don't seem to get any for days on end, def gone downhill these days.

Joan, I fully understand your position with your home. Traditional cottages like my old home have small rooms so really not easy to switch things around. Carers need room to move around the bed and as you said, a hospital bed is quite bigger than a normal single bed. Hubby is in the best place for now and being well looked after and that's what matters.

Hope you are keeping warm. I had the heating on from early afternoon until 9pm yesterday in the lounge as felt it really cold. But we will be in mid January next week so Spring will be following behind hopefully.

Hope all is well with anyone else looking in.
Take care when out and about, its very slippy.

Florence in the hebrides

Joan, you must go but remember you have your daughter with you who can speak up for you if it gets a bit difficult.

They will be looking at if your home can be made into a suitable living space to accommodate all of hubby's needs. You have said already that the bathroom is upstairs and he cannot manage a bath. I'm guessing after asking you lots of questions etc, someone may well want to come and look at your house before any decisions are made.

At the end of the day, he probably cannot stay permanently in the cottage hospital?

So the choices will be either, certain adaptation's could be made to your home to accommodate him or sadly maybe he would have to go into a care home.

Either way, this will be a difficult meeting for you and daughter but together you can support the decisions together.

They may ask you about your own health etc to see if you are able to be hubby's carer so make sure you tell them what your own health issues are etc.

I wish you all the luck and hope for a solution that will be beneficial for hubby and yourself.

I have finally replied with 3 cards to friends and now up to date with all their news etc.

Still some of my "concocted" soup from yesterday which to be fair was very tasty. So I had 1 packet of bread mix in and just thrown that in the bread maker to have later on. Should be ready by 5.30 pm.

Still some frost beside the fences which wont defrost now as the sun has moved round. Think it will be another hard frost tonight as well.

Well I'm progressing swiftly through my list of jobs to do for the week so shall carry on for a bit and see how far I get but def not doing ironing this afternoon!!

Florence in the hebrides

Joan, make sure you have primed your daughter with everything you want to say, then if you can't she can.

Sometimes the Occupational therapy team will do home visits prior to discharge to check to see what is needed, hopefully they will do that and see the problems for themselves.

Good luck with it all.

Joan, It might be a bit daunting, but what you have to say is very important.
Remember that although the staff are aware of his medical needs, after a long and happy time together, you know your husband best, so in a way you will be speaking on his behalf with an awareness of his needs and yours in his on-going care.
Maybe in the quiet of your own home today, you could write a few key points, which you want them to consider or questions you need answering.

You don't come over as someone who is timid.
Your voice and opinions are valid and important, so stand your ground.
Will be thinking of you <3

A bitterly cold chill in the air today, but no actual frost on the grass or pavements, when I walked to school.
Definitely a day to try out my new thermal clothing.!
The birdbath was frozen though, but not thick ice. A pigeon took a look and flew to a tree branch in disgust at not getting it's usual drink.Within a minute or two it was back to see if anything had changed :-S before giving it up as a bad job.
At least there was no repeat of yesterday's snow dusting.

I am so sorry Joan that you are facing such a stressful time, but remember that this is only a preliminary meeting to discuss what is best for your hubby. Nothing is going to happen instantly, it never does in the NHS. Unless they are still stabilising his medical needs, staying in the cottage hospital won’t be a long term option as the beds are in such demand as you found out when you were waiting for one.
The occupational therapists always have to do a home visit, but they aren’t judging you, they are just there to help by providing any equipment you need. Sadly it sounds as if his needs are more than your home can provide for and you may be needing to look for a care home. If you have to choose that option, you will be doing it because of your love for him, so that he can have twenty four hour care

Well, the estate agent just rang to say that the young couple who also saw the house on Saturday made us an offer as well. They are in rented, so would have been a good bet, if the second couple hadn’t already offered us 10k more. Having been told that we had accepted a higher offer, they insisted that the estate agent contact us to see if we would change our minds if they beat that offer. The estate agent wasn’t keen, but he had to ask us We aren’t taking part in gazumping, in any case the older couple have already contacted our previous buyers who have agreed to sell them the searches and survey which should really speed things up.

I hope Joan is coping with her meeting today <3

It always seems strange that the 2nd person in the house doesn’t count. Carers are not even allowed to give the 2nd person any help at all. So it is one cup of tea, one sandwich etc.

I’m so glad you’ve got an OT coming out. Hopefully a different one. They will see the state of your rooms and, just as important, hoe easy it is, or not, to actually get to your home.

I think in England, others will confirm, that not all the changes needed are out of your own purse.

Good luck tomorrow.

I think that's dreadful, Joan.

Of course they are primarily concerned with your husband's welfare - but your own health and wellbeing have a big effect on that.

Do tell tomorrow's OT all your concerns.
It may be easier than it would have been today, when your husband was listening, and when you might not have wanted to sound as if you didn't want him to be at home.

Will your daughter be able to be there too, to reinforce what you say?

If they still think your house is suitable - and it certainly doesn't sound so to me - I fear you will be expected to fund the adaptations.

However, you may be able to get a grant from your local council.
Your local Social Services Dept may also be able to help, or at least advise.

There's quite a lot of info in this link:

https://www.gov.scot/publications/funding-adaptations-home-guide-homeowners/pages/0/

Afternoon all.
Oh dear Joan, that's not helpful when people don't listen.

Surely to goodness they realise how old you are!! Yes what happens when the power goes off or during the night? Are you supposed to be the equivalent of a "night carer/nurse?"

I hope your daughter can be with you for the home visit tomorrow. Stand your ground and make them realise how old your house is and that really it's not suitable. Maybe your daughter can get some advice from Social Services as well.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow <3

I had a quiet day except for a basket of ironing. I had the xmas table cloths to iron and put away for another year(3 in total).

Been working on a friends family tree this afternoon and made a little progress!

Shall be speaking to dad later and find out about repairing his conservatory roof, no doubt there will be a long saga there as nothing ever straight forward with him bless him!

Think my tea tonight will be a tuna sandwich with the home made bread as not very hungry today.

Was heavy frost again today but did melt away.Very damp and no wind and feels cold so heating on full blast. Mums boiler was getting a service today so hopefully all went ok as not heard anything to the contrary.

Right need to do some more tree work before teatime.

Florence in the hebrides

Life gets so difficult doesn't it. Of course you'd all like him to be home but maybe you need to be tough with your daughter and ask her what happens when you are snowed in or you have fallen in the dark during a power cut. Or the carer can't get in because the tanker has blocked the road again?

If you can't afford changes to the house how will you pay for his home care after the free weeks are over?

Oh dear Joan, It is all very well saying that he will get carers during the day, but I have been through this twice with my parents and it can be a nightmare. For a start, they only come at a time to suit their routine not yours. They have to go to diabetics for “ normal “ mealtimes, so would be turning up at ten am to give him breakfast and coming at four pm to put him to bed. My mum had given him breakfast hours before they turned up.
If your husband has a catheter, how is he supposed to get out of bed to use a commode? It sounds like he can’t get in and out by himself, so you would need to help him.
Sadly your daughter doesn’t seem to be supporting you and is wanting to get her dad home as if that will magically make him better. My sister was totally unrealistic about my parents care as well, she had scales on her eyes, but then she didn’t live nearby so wasn’t the one shouldering the every day care
You must really put your foot down with your daughter and not let her ignore you

Perhaps you could ask your GP for his/her opinion, taking into account your health, age, etc.
Perhaps he/she would write a letter to say you are physically unfit to be your husband's main carer?
Let him/her see how stressed you are already. Don't try to be brave!

With a bit of luck, when the OT actually sees the house, they may realise it 's not suitable in any case.

I agree with Linda - you must put your foot down.

I,m on my iPad so can’t send the links. I found it confusing but it looks as though personal and nursing care is free in Scotland.

In principle, yes, but it depends on the level of risk assessed, and it can vary from one local council to another.

It also doesn't include the cost of any adaptations to the person's home.

https://www.gov.scot/publications/free-personal-nursing-care-qa/

It also depends on the availability of carers, who are thin on the ground in some places.

Joan, I also agree, you need to go and see your GP and explain how you are feeling and how it is upsetting you because you will find it too difficult to manage say through the night etc and also you cant afford the adaptations.
Let him see how upsetting it is for you.

As you said, all very well daughter wanting her dad back home with you but....what if you are snowed in and she cant get to to help? There is an awful lot she needs to consider which I as you said don't think she is looking at the bigger picture.

Also what if the carers couldnt get to you, what then?

See how quick you can get an appointment tomorrow.

Hoping for a solution to suit you as well as hubby.

Florence in the hebrides

AG, hope that site helps Joan. I couldn’t quite understand the one I looked at.

I keep looking in to see if there is any news from Joan <3

Oh my Joan, what a dreadful situation.

I cant believe the care manager was going to have a meeting without you there??? I mean, your daughter doesn't live with you and has a young family so she isnt going to be involved with his care, is she?

I would urge you to go & see your GP before the next meeting. Go in on your own so you can explain exactly your worries & concerns and how it is affecting you.

They will have to create a Care plan for hubby before he can be discharged anyway.

You say hubby doesnt want carers 4 times a day but you simply cant manage his needs. Does he not realise that? You cannot lift him onto the commode and back into bed. The carers have to be trained to do that. Its called manual handling.

I'm so sorry this whole situation is stressing you out, just so awful but please see you GP and tell him everything that has happened and what is happening by yourself.

Sorry I've not been terribly helpful but on here you can rant and rave and we will listen and try and help if we can.

Florence in the hebrides

Unfiotunately, harsh as it is,they are only looking at your husbands needs. It is almost as though you don’t count except for what you can do to help.

I’m surprised a hoist wasn’t on your list of things to fit in the room, and they take up a lot of space.

Was the OT happy with the state of the electrics? Always people you.can call at night - presume that is the ambulance because they can’t send care staff out in an emergency if they haven’t got one available.

As Florence says, come and rant anytime.