General Chat

Hi Carol I qualify for both. I had two step fathers. The first one was an absolute sweetheart and if I'm honest he was more of a Dad to me than my own Father. My Mum had two more children by him and we were all treated exactly the same. Second Step-father was an a..e. He had all the time in the world for my half sister but my half brother and I were bundled off to boarding schools. Sister was kept at home. On the other side of things although o.h. and I have been together almost18 years we are not married. However he had two children by his first marriage. Partly from my own experience I never pushed myself on them. I let them know that I was always available to them but not in a Mum way because you only have one Mum. At first they were angry and resentful of me but as the years have gone by we have become very close. I supose the moral of it all is time and space. Lin x

I can relate to Diana's experiences, o.h.'s lads have never really liked me, I try to tell myself it is not their fault, they have been so poorly brought up. O.h. tried to compensate with money and disregarding bad behaviour cos of his guilt over breaking up marriage - he had affair with their mother's best friend and had just split from her when we met. Their mother is scared to say anything to them cos they fly in a temper, they have sponged off her for years, wouldn't pay board money etc, and she wouldn't push it, in case they stopped talking to her altogether, just moaned to o.h.about it. Her new partner who has been around just a little longer than me, doesn't say much to them at all, and my o.h. never defended me if they were rude to me or stuff, they have seen him screaming at me in temper. Last couple of years they started to realise what I had done for their father - they both thanked me - but just after Christmas older son came round, he now lives 60+ miles away, and he had a go at me and called me lazy cos he won't try to understand my fm and cfs. Neither of them have lived with their father for more than a few days since they were teenagers, and I wasn't living here then, and they don't realise what a difficult and unreasonable person he is to deal with. They show me no respect, and weren't even pleasant to my son, who is between them in ages, and never spoke against them, he is easy to get on with. His social skills showed up their lack of them and but I don't think they were embarrassed, they just think things like manners don't matter. I had to explain to them in a restaurant that the reason the waiter wasn't taking their plates was because they hadn't put their cutlery together to show they had finished etc, the father called me a snob!!! Could go on, but the situation is such that there will never be an easy comfortable relationship now and I have no intention of spending another 10 years putting up with them or him! The step family situation depends a lot on the attitude of the parent bringing the children to the relationship and if that isn't thought out and discussed with the other adult, then there will always be conflict. Kids need definite boundaries and all need to be treated in the same way, as it does between the divorced/seperated parents too otherwise they will never know how they are expected to behave and will cause heartache for themselves and the family. Lots of luck for those involved. My own son is sort of stepfather to his girlfriend' s lad of 6 and they get on fine, because all four parents/'step'parents talked between them and sorted out the guidelines. Little lad knows what is expected of him where ever he is and is a lot better for it. Liz

I read your posting Carol, and thought....I cannot add on this one as I have no knowlege of this.... Of course, just realised my daughter has a son by her ex.boyfriend and her fiance will be his new step-Dad......I think, and this only relates to my daughter....not a generalisation.....that if the parents, all of them, handle it correctly then it should go well...... My daughter has always remained friends with her ex.....has made friends with his new wife, and is child minder to his two children......so her child and his step brother and sister grow up together and mix well......now we have her new man in the mixture, and he is so understanding as to the feelings of her ex.....and does not try to take the place of my grandson's Dad... my grandson adores both his Dad and the new chap.....grandson is 10.... sounds idyllic, but it is working at present.....keeping fingers crossed.....

I was a step-mother for 4 years to the children from hell (not necessarily their fault) but they stole from us, punched me in my own home and downright disrespected me purely because their father let them!! They treated me in the same way they treated their parents but I was stronger than that and wouldn't let bad behaviour go un commented on. It was HELL!! and one I will never ever repeat!

My step daughter was 15 when her father asked me to marry him. She started spreading the most awful rumours and then denied it. She conned him out of £200 to buy an outfit for our wedding and then turned up in an old T shirt and jeans! Her and her friends messed about at the evening do so that we had to have the paramedics out and one of her friends spent two days in hospital after falling off a wall. She never spoke a word to me all day. She only sees her father when she wants something and when she is in our house doesn't speak to me, won't drink my drinks or eat my food. She drives a wedge between the two of us. When my MIL sent my birthday card to her house by mistake she opened it and then took a week to bring it round - she lives 5 minutes away. I think she comes over as being manipulative and unpleasant but Daddy won't have a word said against her! Having said that I don't think either of my two are particuarly keen on my husband, but he has behaved impeccably towards both of them. Maybe it's just a 'step' thing. Sheila

I had a stepmother who was the most selfish, self-centred person one could imagine. I have two step-children and have always had a good relationship with both of them.........partly, I think, because I came into their lives five years after their parents divorced, so was in no way involved in the marriage break-up. Another factor is our relative ages........they are only a few years younger than me. Reg

hankyou all, I will Pm as it is a subject I would like some advice and help with, Many thanks for taking the time to reply, Caz xxxxx

I don't have any step children, but daughter is a step child. I got together with hubby when she was four mths old. Until she was two and i discovered i was pregnant, she called my partner ( as he was then) by his name. And her real dad was daddy, realising we'd have a problem when the twins arrived .We started encouraging her to called partner daddy followed by his name. Worked well. But she slowly dropped his name and he became daddy. She is now 14 and my husband is her dad, the one she runs to when she;s hurt, parents eve, taxi service or simply wants someone on her side against me. Her real dad is now known by his real name. Is she treated different?? not by me obviously, but hubby does tend to be softer on her, than the boys... might be boy/girl thing. His mum also tends to over compensate. On the other hand ex's mum treats my three boys the same as her grand daughter, so none of the kids miss out really. One thing I will say is Daughter can talk to hubby, more than she can me at times!! After sex education lesson, it was him she chose to discuss the subject with

I had a chat with my step sister on this as when my Dad and her Mum got together she was a baby. She says that never once did she feel any different to her grown up 'sisters 'in my Dads eyes., and although she never called him Dad (her Dad is alive) it was him she thought of when talk turned to parents. Good or bad has to be in the attitude of the people. PM me if you want to chat at all. Jacqui

I never liked my step mother, the feeling was mutual. I even stopped having any contact with my father. just over 3 years ago she died and I now have a very good relationship with my dad. My step father, on the other hand, was fantastic. He was always my son's 'Grandad'. Regrettably we didn't see much of him after my mum died and he eventually met someone else, but we always talked on the phone. He died 18 months ago and I do miss him. Kim

Muffy how awful for your friend ......

My friend has a step mum that puts her own kids needs above hers and also sneers at her every achievement.Indeed once she started full time work the step mum even threw a party as it meant they were no longer responsible for her financial well being. The blow to my friends self esteem was devastating. I hope this step parent is in the minority. I know most are fantastically supportive of their step kids. I liken this step mothers behaviour towards step children as a form of bullying really as there is never an excuse for this sort of behaviour in my opinion. Surely people that start up with a man/woman who has already had kids should understand their partners responsibility towards them?

Adding to my last post...I will say in my step mums favour, she has never laughed at me because I didn't achieve as much as her own children. She has supported me in my decisions though.

Caz I think wherever there are step parents there are going to be problems but it depends on the attitude of the step parent to whether the relationship will work. I had a wonderful step mother but thought of her as my dads wife not a step mum as my mum is my mum. She never put herself first ahead of me or my siblings we were our dads children, and she always encouraged my dad to spend as much time with us as he could. even when they had my little brother we were all treated equally - something i will always be thankfull for as the horror stories i have heard and seen because stepmums expect the older children to lose out over their own children. When you become the step parent to a child the worst thing you could ever do is expect that child to have anything different to your own child be it love, hugs,understanding,holidays, education, in fact you should treat them as if they were your own as much as you can.

caz, i may be 43 now, but my step dad David, came into my life when i was 3. He wed my mum when i was 10, but asked my permission......i helped pick my mums engagement ring. He has been, my hero, my alibi lol, my everything, as far as we are concerned, he is my dad, i am his daughter, i adore him and him me. xx

Thankyou all, i am looking at replies again, for me the step family journey has been painful and in many ways has not worked, good to hear your experiences and would like to talk by PM if possible, Thanks, caz xxxxxxxx

My step sons are wonderful, both 32 and 35 now (had since they were 8 and 11), they both call me mum as their mum never kept contact with them. Had problems when they were younger due mainly to lack of contact with their mother, they tracked her down and visited her once and have never been back since! Wouldn't change them for the world!! Between them we have 8 grandchildren (4 children each!) and they are step-parents too, one to 3 boys and the other to 1 boy 1 girl, doing a good job too! The grandchildren think of me as their Nan which is nice, they have never been told to call me any different and I treat them all the same. They are my family.... Nanna-Moo ;-)))

I had my step daughter almost from a baby, then she has two brothers. Has been and always will be one of three. treated no differently from the others. In fact I get more support from her thro' my troubles than anyone else

I got on great with my step-dad and was sorry to lose him when he died. I also get on well with my step-mum and are still in touch tho my Dad has died. I had already done a bunk from home before the parents split up mind. I have found that my relationship with my step mum can be frought (sp) as I was Daddy's girl. For awhile I went out (he wanted to marry) some-one with 2 young girls and I found it HELL no matter what I did was wrong in their eyes and he would always support them. Funny as it might seem the eldest I got on fantastic with after I left and track her to this day. (Not telling Dad tho) Good luck Jac

this could be a long one had step dad from age of 12, it was a loveless upbringing from the start so having him didnt really change things just another sister to look after who popped along lol, but 28 years down the line i can say im friends with him and mum, realising things stem back further ie, its a lot easier to show love if you have been shown love in my opinion, however a break thro last week he said my' family in a conversation' and i nearly cried any way enough of that my children have a step dad who is wonderfull, youngest calls him dad. how ever our only fall outs seem to be , when his children come over the rules of the house tend to differ. what mine cant get away with his can, i pulled him up on this and i believe it to be not done on purpose, once i explained that mine would see that as favoritetism he has changed the way he acts but i agree although i love his children and he loves mine there are different types of love but we are the adults and its up to us not to show preference , with any of the children, i certainly dont like saying to my step children , to say wash up or make your beds but we have agreed when we are all together we are one family