General Chat

My step daughter was 15 when her father asked me to marry him. She started spreading the most awful rumours and then denied it. She conned him out of £200 to buy an outfit for our wedding and then turned up in an old T shirt and jeans! Her and her friends messed about at the evening do so that we had to have the paramedics out and one of her friends spent two days in hospital after falling off a wall. She never spoke a word to me all day. She only sees her father when she wants something and when she is in our house doesn't speak to me, won't drink my drinks or eat my food. She drives a wedge between the two of us. When my MIL sent my birthday card to her house by mistake she opened it and then took a week to bring it round - she lives 5 minutes away. I think she comes over as being manipulative and unpleasant but Daddy won't have a word said against her! Having said that I don't think either of my two are particuarly keen on my husband, but he has behaved impeccably towards both of them. Maybe it's just a 'step' thing. Sheila

I was a step-mother for 4 years to the children from hell (not necessarily their fault) but they stole from us, punched me in my own home and downright disrespected me purely because their father let them!! They treated me in the same way they treated their parents but I was stronger than that and wouldn't let bad behaviour go un commented on. It was HELL!! and one I will never ever repeat!

I read your posting Carol, and thought....I cannot add on this one as I have no knowlege of this.... Of course, just realised my daughter has a son by her ex.boyfriend and her fiance will be his new step-Dad......I think, and this only relates to my daughter....not a generalisation.....that if the parents, all of them, handle it correctly then it should go well...... My daughter has always remained friends with her ex.....has made friends with his new wife, and is child minder to his two children......so her child and his step brother and sister grow up together and mix well......now we have her new man in the mixture, and he is so understanding as to the feelings of her ex.....and does not try to take the place of my grandson's Dad... my grandson adores both his Dad and the new chap.....grandson is 10.... sounds idyllic, but it is working at present.....keeping fingers crossed.....

I can relate to Diana's experiences, o.h.'s lads have never really liked me, I try to tell myself it is not their fault, they have been so poorly brought up. O.h. tried to compensate with money and disregarding bad behaviour cos of his guilt over breaking up marriage - he had affair with their mother's best friend and had just split from her when we met. Their mother is scared to say anything to them cos they fly in a temper, they have sponged off her for years, wouldn't pay board money etc, and she wouldn't push it, in case they stopped talking to her altogether, just moaned to o.h.about it. Her new partner who has been around just a little longer than me, doesn't say much to them at all, and my o.h. never defended me if they were rude to me or stuff, they have seen him screaming at me in temper. Last couple of years they started to realise what I had done for their father - they both thanked me - but just after Christmas older son came round, he now lives 60+ miles away, and he had a go at me and called me lazy cos he won't try to understand my fm and cfs. Neither of them have lived with their father for more than a few days since they were teenagers, and I wasn't living here then, and they don't realise what a difficult and unreasonable person he is to deal with. They show me no respect, and weren't even pleasant to my son, who is between them in ages, and never spoke against them, he is easy to get on with. His social skills showed up their lack of them and but I don't think they were embarrassed, they just think things like manners don't matter. I had to explain to them in a restaurant that the reason the waiter wasn't taking their plates was because they hadn't put their cutlery together to show they had finished etc, the father called me a snob!!! Could go on, but the situation is such that there will never be an easy comfortable relationship now and I have no intention of spending another 10 years putting up with them or him! The step family situation depends a lot on the attitude of the parent bringing the children to the relationship and if that isn't thought out and discussed with the other adult, then there will always be conflict. Kids need definite boundaries and all need to be treated in the same way, as it does between the divorced/seperated parents too otherwise they will never know how they are expected to behave and will cause heartache for themselves and the family. Lots of luck for those involved. My own son is sort of stepfather to his girlfriend' s lad of 6 and they get on fine, because all four parents/'step'parents talked between them and sorted out the guidelines. Little lad knows what is expected of him where ever he is and is a lot better for it. Liz

Hi Carol I qualify for both. I had two step fathers. The first one was an absolute sweetheart and if I'm honest he was more of a Dad to me than my own Father. My Mum had two more children by him and we were all treated exactly the same. Second Step-father was an a..e. He had all the time in the world for my half sister but my half brother and I were bundled off to boarding schools. Sister was kept at home. On the other side of things although o.h. and I have been together almost18 years we are not married. However he had two children by his first marriage. Partly from my own experience I never pushed myself on them. I let them know that I was always available to them but not in a Mum way because you only have one Mum. At first they were angry and resentful of me but as the years have gone by we have become very close. I supose the moral of it all is time and space. Lin x