General Chat

Dawn I relly feel for you, My lad that I had the most trouble with started at this age, not untidy or sruff like that but began to misbehave a lot. He had just been seriously ill so I probably wasnt hard enough on him which I now regret, I think the idea of ignoring is a very good one, Caz xxx

Lots of good advice already but another couple of things to think about - 1) All children think they're hard done by and that their brothers or sisters have an easier time of things. You can tie yourself up in knots trying to explain and be seen to be fair but there's no need, it is what it is and you make the decisions. One reason once given is all that's needed as it's not until they are parents themselves that they really understand the difference that different ages of children makes. 2) Children are absolute masters (or mistresses) at making their parents feel guilty about whatever punishment they dish out - it's part of growing up and up to parents not to be manipulated, tough as it might be. Having a united front with his Dad is VERY important and it will be much easier if you can both compare notes and commiserate with one another out of earshot of the little so-and-so's. 3) My father's best advice when I was struggling with my children was - remember you're their parent, not their friend. If they don't like what you're doing now, they'll thank you for it later. (Or not, but you can only be the best parent you know how.)

Think it's there age Dawnie-hormones and stuff. My daughter is exactly the same and she's 10.-leaves dirty clothes on the floor next to the washing basket, too much trouble to put em in. Attitude-don't get me started on that one- She's changing physically too. I have learnt to live with the way she is-cos I can't see it being forever. the only 1 thing I can't get through to her though if that is she does something wrong, she can't admitt to it-she lies and says she not done it. I say I won't get cross if you tell the truth-and she still denys stuff. drives me mad. catherine xx

I hope you don't mind me adding but my problem is slightly different! I have a child of 8 that is and always has been bullied. I am a single mother and understand that I could be overprotective and think she is always being picked on . What am i doing wrong and why is she picked on. She has starting telling lies now and swearing at me which I will not obviously take. why the change and I am starting to believe other parents are right and that she is horrible when i'm sure she is being good. please help J&J

Handling children is a mixture of gut feeling and sheer luck. We tried to take the best of what our parents did with us and leave out the worse and luckily we must have done something right. Have you got a smaller bedroom that you can put Laddo in? Our son's bedroom was so small that he had to be tidy otherwise he couldn't get into the bed, a very good incentive with young lads. Plus, get him to help with household chores or no pocket money. Grade the worth of all jobs and only pay him what he has earned, no work done - no pay! If he chooses to go out in dirty clothes swallow your pride and let him, a few insulting remarks from his peers at school will soon put that right. But if you do this remember to have a word with the teaching staff first, they'll have to cope with him as well as the other pupils. Buy him a cash book and encourage him to keep a record of all the money he earns and spends, and tell him that if he saves enough he can buy his own clothes; and keep to that, don't have a fit if he comes home with something totally outlandish. He's bound to try that just to see how you react. Other than that good luck, at least once he starts taking an interest in girls he'll take notice of his own appearance, even if his bedroom still looks like the remnant of a jumble sale, When he does do something right, praise him to the hilt and throughout it all make sure that he knows you love him. Don't tell him that it hurts you more than it does him, he won't believe it, just let him be aware that as much as you love him you're just sick and tired of coping with his behaviour.

Do not give up-find out the problem

Dear Dawn.....been there done that.....put it all in bin bags and told them to sort it all out....took ages, but they were older.....mouldy food under beds, dirty underwear and socks, had the lot..... DO NOT WORRY.....Messy rude obnoxious hateful daughter, is now the best in the world, brilliant Mum, good friend and a rock that everybody goes to if they need help.... Middle son was tidy, respectful no trouble, and is still the same sweet prson... Youngest was useless with money, his bedroom a health hazard....had sign up saying beware toxic zone....now a good husband and father, and asks us to remove shoes on his off white carpet!!!!! he used to wear his workboots on ours..... They are all tidy, helpful in the house with their partners, and the ones with kids are good parents.... I used to cry with exasperation, wondering where I had gone wrong....my friend who had older children said that I hadn't...they would turn out OK and this is only a part of growing up... DAWN SHE WAS RIGHT...

Oh all this sounds so horribly familiar! But they do eventually grow out of it. One of mine was particularly difficult and lazy. It finally came to a head when we were having a party for our friends and she did nothing to help and didn't tidy away her stuff I'd asked her to. Her comment of 'It's not my party' made me fume. I remembered the loads of birthday parties and sleepovers I'd organised for her and friends and decided even a worm will turn! I put a linen basket in her room and when she looked surprised I said 'It's not my washing'. I never did any cleaning or washing for her again while she lived at home. She's now a hard working and lovely caring young woman. Sue

hes a teenager leave him he will come round in the end,teenagers brains dont work like ours,a messsy bedroom isnt a major problem to them,my children are age 24,22,18,16 ,my 22yr old son had the worst bedroom id ever seen when he was a teenager, he is now the tidiest person i know,not a thing out of place,but his 18yr old brother has now taken his place , if his clothes are not put out for washing,they dont get washed,if his bedroom isnt tidy he doesnt have friends/girlfriends round,its his problem not mine, i just close the bedroom door and forget about it.teenagers have got so much on their minds,exams,girls,music,drinking collage,working,forget about his messy room ,close the door and forget about it,im sure hes got loads of good things going for him,xxxxx

Like Ann, I wonder if part of his problem is jealousy. It may be that he wants your attention. Coming from a large family myself, I can still remember (50yrs on), the feeling that my Mother never talked to just ME. She said things like,” please tidy up”, “Hurry up you are going to miss the school bus”, or “Be quiet you will wake the baby”. As an adult, I now realize that it was not because she did not love me, it was because she was a working Mother with 5 children & tired. I think the ‘Battle of the Bedroom’ happens in most homes where there are children! When my daughter was about 12, I put everything that was on her bedroom floor into black sacks & put them outside by the dustbin. (The dustmen were not due for a couple of days). The fact that he was upset that your OH was going with you, makes me think that he did not want to share you with him. Have you tried going for a short walk sometimes, just you & him? Sharing something with him, your own little secret, a special thing known by only the two of you. I was close to my Father & he took me with him whenever he could, but the thing that I most wanted was a special time with my Mum. As for throwing things out, don't anyone tell me I don't need to keep my babies first shoes or the little things they made me at playgroup!!!! There are lots of us hoarders about. lol

JJ Kids have an unerring instinct for knowing which children they can successfully pick on. By that I mean, they know they will get a reaction out of her - does she cry? One explanation for her being nasty to you, is that you are the only person she can safely be nasty to - she is frightened of the bullies. I have been a single mum, and yes, you can be overprotective and take things far too seriously, whereas a child who has brothers and sisters, gets used to dealing with hurts and insults and doesnt see them as a big issue - and neither do their parents. Ask her why she feels she needs to tell you lies. What sort of lies are we talking about - 'Yes, I have cleaned my teeth' sort of lies, or 'No, it wasn't me' sort of lies. One is laziness, the other deceitful. Don't look for reasons for the swearing - it is not on, end of story. I have to say - I can't see why a load of other mothers would say YOUR child was the problem, if she isn't. Have you questioned her about any specific incident? OC

You are right Suzanne...I forgot to mention that my friend also told me.....if the bedroom gets in a mess....then leave it...it is their mess....just close the door......as you do.... My neighbour had a daughter, and then twin daughters, she was 10 years younger than me.....so she used to come round with all the little problems....not eating....not sleeping....bedwetting....and so on.....now they are all at Uni and are lovely young ladies.....she needn't have worried..... If I had a wish when they were small. it would have been for a fast forward button, to see that it all works out in the end.....it is whilst you are going through it, is the difficult part.....just bear with it.....

An olde Crone Holden Thankyou. She used to be such a lovely child but now from her accounts allways seems to get hit and I have seen the marks. i l0ve her dearly but to my mind she is doing something wrong or why would she keep getting hit?? why is she the one who is bullied?? Thankyou for answering. J&J x

JJ Oh, poor little soul. I am not very good at the bullying stuff as my kids luckily never got picked on. Please start a separate thread for this - we have had this subject discussed many times before and lots of people can help you with their own experiences and how they have dealt with it. I think it will just get lost in this thread. One thing which might work - if you can find out who the bully ringleader is, invite them to tea (yes, grit your teeth here).Kids of that age are very fickle and an enemy one day can be a best friend the next, after a bit of cake, lol - and be a protector of your little girl until she can work out some coping strategies for herself. but pleae - put up a thread, because this is important and you need everyone elses input. Good luck OC

Just adding so I can read all your theories/advice tomorrow Kim

Hi there DAWN, I am sorry to here of your difficulties. Hopefully you will resolve them soon. I am a registered foster carer dealing with the most challenging children aged 6-17 that have become unmanageable within mainstream foster care or have come to us directly from birth parents home. To date I have looked after about 50+ children. All of these children have suffered emotional, physical or psychological neglect in one way or another. It could be a simple failure of the parents to pick up and comfort a hysterically crying baby to actual rape and torture that has left them damaged. One thing I have learnt is that NO CHILD IS BAD....ONLY SAD. They openly reflect how they feel and cannot hide emotion as adults often do. I could try to solve your immediate dilemma by giving a string of things to do but you would need to address many of your own issues first. Many of the suggestions you have received on this forum have there place in the management of children but they do not work for every instance. Start by looking at what you do at the moment and ask yourself: Would you like to be spoken to in a loud and threatening voice? Would you like to have your privileges withdrawn? Would you like to here your parents and siblings condemning you? Would you like to be given orders without a reason? Put simply...you are on his case all the time and he’s put up his defences. It has already been suggested that you withdraw from the situation and not talk to him until he mends his ways. This is partly the route to be taking but if you also make a point of letting him know when you will speak again (later that same day, give a specific time and stick to it) and that you will sit down with him and talk about his sadness. Not the expectations you have. This will allow you both time to think about his needs and hopefully if the mood is set away from everyone else he will open up and it’s then your job to recognise what is actually going on. It could be something that’s happening outside of the home or maybe he is feeling unloved. Remember we all need a big cuddle and often. I know if he has been a little monster then you probably have distanced yourself without realising it. So, to follow another suggestion already given. Only praise him on his achievements and try to ignore the mistakes. Remember he is only 10 and still needs your guiding hand, whether he wants to demonstrate he is his own master or not. Give him realistic tasks and help him achieve them. Standing at the bottom of the stairs shouting for him to tidy his room is not the way. So go in his room regularly and share the job until he is doing all the work. When he does well, give him an extra treat (and a cuddle), but not as a bribe before he starts the task. The only incentive he needs is to see you sharing the task and not complaining. Sorry to go on but bringing up children is the hardest job imaginable. Let us know in about a week or so how you are getting on. Good luck Steve

Please don't ever give up on your child. Don't give up on yourself either. Find out if you can if he's being bullied or abused in any way.If not,take your authority back but in the right place. Disrespect for you or other members of the family and refusal to obey requests as against orders brings repercussions. Don't stop at the tv, remove every thing the child treasures,down to the bed and he has to win these things back one at a time.As for the mess in the room itself,clothes etc,I finally decided that the room was my daughters and if all her clothes were on the bed and she couldnt find room to sleep it was her problem. That room was her responsibility alone and was no longer a part of the house. that included Laundry and everything else.We won in the end. Finally,what does it matter . She's now got two daughters of her own

Hello again DAWN, Just quick message this time. Having read Merle from Albany I thought I would add another comment to save you getting into more bother. It’s not about you winning a war. It’s about you demonstrating your caring and supportive qualities which in time will influence him. Any time spent feeling isolated, unloved, desperate and lonely will only damage him further. It may appear to resolve the short term problem by you enforcing your laws, but he will have lost all respect for you. His self esteem will have been taken to a lower level. This encourages him to become disruptive and a bully as his way of proving to himself that he can have some control. Positive role models and shared responsibilities in the home will build him into a well rounded member of society. Many children have realised that if they cause a scene they will get the attention they desperately desire: even if it’s a telling off. This is a recognised symptom within professional child care and needs to be considered. Bye for now Steve

I find the best way with my 12 year old is to stop him from going to youth club and rugby he soon bucks his ideas up then. It is hard sometimes but they will get better may take a while but they do. Jackiexx

Afternoon folks wow this has grown since I was last on. For those of you that dont know I have recently been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which part of is Chronic fatigue which I know doesnt help me cope with laddo as I am always tired my problem not his but probably suffers because of it. Had a bit of a breakthrough today, when I got up i saw an empty drink bottle on his floor and he was sat in bed reading. Asked him what he could do with it that would make me happy and he just shrugged. Later when I went back upstairs the bottle was in the bin. He also made his bed without being asked not to hospital standadrds but good enough for me. I also asked him to bring down the washing basket that was on the landing so I could put the washing on and he did it without arguing. He asked for a DVD on and as he had done something to help he was allowed it so maybe he will see helping gets rewards. thanks for all your suggestions dawnie x