General Chat

keeping my fingers crossed that you both get the help that is best for you and for your OH. xxxx

Hi Shirley,

If the hospital are saying he needs nursing care think very carefully before turning it down. especially if it is in hospital where there is nursing staff and the appropriate Doctors to deal with your husbands various problems...Dementia can become progressive and very difficult to handle.

We have all heard stories whereby so called carers have not turned up or been late etc. not funny to be messed about possibly 4 times a day..

I am sure your husband knows you love him and he would not expect you to become a nurse in your eighties. No couples should have to spend there last years together driven to mental and physical exhaustion but both taken care of.

Whether he stays in hospital or goes into a good nursing home, make sure he is entitled to NURSING care.

My cousins son eventually got it for her but not before he had to sell her house to pay for her care, It was proved she should have had it earlier.

I really do feel for you Shirley, so may I just say don't agonise any more just ask yourself if you would /could be the best person to look after him.

Visit, listen to any grumps, talk over old times, share news...all which you will do better if you are not exhausted and stressed out.

Sent with Love
J xxx

Dear Shirley

Hello

I am very sorry that you and your husband have been going through such a bad time.

When this meeting takes place, it would be a good idea for you and your family to have a carers worker sitting in with you.

The people in these meetings are looking at things from one perspective only.

You and your family need much practical support.

I am sure there are ways that your husband can come home and be looked after well, by both carers and nursing staff.

Its often a matter of getting the right and most reliable people to help.

Please don't be fobbed up and make a list of questions and get the answers you need before you make any decisions.


For now, dear Shirley, do take very gentle care of yourself.
Many good wishes to you, your husband and family
Much love from Elizabeth, EOS
xx

I haven't been on for a few days so I am only just catching up with the posts. I am really sorry to hear that your husband is in hospital. I do hope they can stabilise things for him.

It must be a great worry for you and you have some difficult decisions ahead but I am sure, with the support of your family, you will make the right choices.

Look after yourself. Thinking of you
<3

Shirley, its not a good time for you or your husband right now. Such an awful worry.

I hope that when you have the meeting that a care package can be set in place which will cover your husbands needs and also help by giving you the support that you obviously will need during the weeks ahead. Definitely a worrying and upsetting time,and I feel for you (as a Carer too).

It will be good for you to have the support of your daughter and granddaughter's presence at the meeting to speak up for you when you must be exhausted and very anxious as well.

I really hope everything will work out for the best for your husband and for you and your family too. Sending you (((hugs))) today. xx

Thanks Brenda. and everyone

Well we are going to have a meeting at the hospital with all the professionals and myself and grandaugter and daughter .
They are saying he would need carers in 4 times a day and they would only provide seeing to his hygiene and turning him to avoid bedsores , He wasnt cooperative with physio etc when they tried lots of ways to get him out of bed & he became aggressive about moving him on different hoists . So as they can't get him up he is now bed bound. He wouldn't get nursing care at home. Its thought the fits he had when the sepsis was going into shock have given him some brain damage which is making him uncoperative . He seems just to want to be left alone .

It's increasingly looking like he needs further nursing care which can't be provided at home .

I am such a turmoil thinking about it all and in making the right decision for him .

Shirley,I didn't know your husband was in hospital.
I did know he had dementia and realise that it's hard coping with that.

I had 5 years coping with my husband,the last three very hard,but I would suggest like others have said,a key safe with security number.I had a list of medications in a tube in the fridge with a label on the outside and the same label on inside house front door so that if I was out shopping and the services had to get in they would look at door,go to fridge and see the list...think this was definitely ne by The Lions...
Of course he wore his care line all the time,but he didn't have dementia.

If you have Age UK or some other similar organisation and they will tell you what you can get and do to help YOU....everyone tends to forget the strain on the carer.
I wouldn't get him into a home,but it gets harder,so you must get help organised.
Towards the end I had a lady from Crossroads for a couple of hours to sit and watch TV or a film.
I also had a tag on my bag with my details on it in case I had an accident while out.
Of course when you have a key safe through the carers they have your security number ,so getting a call they are in action right away.
Before I had Crossroads I used to do a supermarket dash to get back ASAP .my OH was on the very high oxygen and tubes were all over the house,so I got everything possible to make life easier and get all the help you can.

Hope you don't mind me telling you this,but all the friends I have made through. Carers outreach agree that unless you've been there you don't realise the strain and talking to others who understand does help.

<3 <3

Of course Kent is lovely, that's where a host of my ancestors come from.

When I was at school, I had a friend who was a latchkey child and the front door key hung around her neck. Ours was on a hook under the back steps.

Your granddaughter sounds an absolute gem Shirley - so pleased that she is going to support you through these discussions. Hope all goes well and that you are happy and relieved with the outcomes.


I didn't realise you were in Medway. I have very fond memories of visiting my grandparents in Rochester each year, many moons ago. My maternal family are from the Medway area and Kent is a glorious county - the Garden of England indeed.


Thinking of you. xx

Well that is thought Liz

Did occur to me that all I would need then is to lose my handbag !!

Granddaughter does have front porch and for keys but think I will look into getting the key safe for the garden . Not sure about burying keys in the garden somewhere would comply with the house insurance .

On another note our grandaugter had a little go at them on monday. She said in effect they need to get their fingers out as they keep saying they are referring him and nothing is happening .

Result occupational health want to have a word today when I go in and are talking about doing a home assessment . Granddaughter wants to be here with me when that happens .

She isn't working at the moment having been made reduntant from her banking job in jan . She did a 6 month consultancy job with a company who was one of her clients at the bank and this ended end July . She has been doing interviews since with London banking firms and not secured a job as yet but has another interview on Friday . She did offer to move back in and rent her flat out but we don't want her to put her life on hold as she is a career banking girl with many banking qualifications and is in her early 30's so she needs to carry on with her own career . We live in Medway Kent and she commutes to London so it's a long day for her when she is working . She has said she will pop in every evening on her way horne to see if I need anything which will be a help .

This does depend now on whether hubbies needs can be done at home or whether he really needs ongoing nursing care .
Big discussions coming up now

For heaven's sake don't lose your handbag Shirley

I often recommend keys inside a screw top coffee jar, jar inside a sealable sandwich bag and buried in the garden, leave a stick handy to help dig it out.

Lizxx

Do hope everything works out for the best Shirley. Both key wise and hubby wise.

Look after yourself as well. take care

Persie xx

Shirley ,Sorry to read your OH is unwell.

Hope they can rally him round and you see some improvement even a little bit is good.

Take care of you as you wont be in full working order also.x

At the moment I am going to pare down hubbies key ring and carry that in my handbag too .it will be front porch and door , back gate padlock key. Garage door key, side garage door and back door .

Will make my already heavy handbag even heavier but hey ho .

We would always leave the spare key in the front and back door ,after locking of course because I have always had a fear of fire and us not being able to find keys to get out .

We do have smoke alarms but my fear of being locked in is still there

This stems back from childhood when neighbours opposite our family home had a fire and both young parents died in the fire . My mum looked after their two young children for a week whilst the police found relatives who could take the children .

good-oh!

Kandj

Just a thought Shirley and one less expensive option than a keysafe is to have a spare key in a jam jar buried in the garden..... our daughter now has done this as our son in law has locked them both out of their house on three separate occasions which has needed a locksmith each time, and their services don't come cheaply!

Shirley the keysafe recommended to us was the Supra C500 Keysafe which is the only one to have Police approval and does not affect our house insurance either. It is solid and secure and simple to operate, so worth considering "just in case" it happens again

It is a very difficult time for you and your husband right now and you both have my sympathy. We personally know ongoing ill health issues are draining.

No you are not going doo dally either Shirley. It is perfectly natural not to think straight when you are so anxious about your husband and have so may concerns ahead of you. Take care of yourself, I'm sending a gentle hug to you right now xx

Not to worry Bob, but it's worthwhile you adding the info you sent by PM.

sorry DET......misread your post, saw combination, and assumed that it was your Idea.......oops

The key safes are used by quite a few people out here. We have 1. When we have people staying with us who want to go off out on their own we just show them how to access the safe and we aren't restricted to staying in.

Friends who have a house here but go to UK often can have people stay at their place arriving even after they've left for UK due to the safe.

It's handy when you go round neighbours for the evening you don't have to take your keys with you. :-D

Sorry to hear about your husband. My cousins found it impossible to cope with their mother as she became an escape artist and started going shopping without money :-S. She'd lived in the area for many years so the shopkeepers knew her were understanding. Aunty had to go to live in a secure home. She was distressed at first but within a short time it became her home and she happily lived there for about 4 years until a quick series of minor strokes then a fatal 1.

You have to think of yourself as well as your husband. What good are you to him if you get ill due to looking after him. One of my cousins went every day to see aunty, they shared the responsibility. I remember 1 telling me she'd left work at lunch time, went home, had a sandwich and then went to the home to see her mother. She spent all afternoon with her. She went home as they started sorting out their evening meal. As she walked into her house the phone was ringing, it was the home, aunty was playing up because neither of her daughters were visiting her anymore and why didn't her husband come to see her - he'd been dead over 20 years. Cousin was asked if could she come back to calm her down as she wasn't listening to them. They preferred that to sedating them. When Aunty saw her she calmed down, went to tea and cousin went straight home. She did only live 5 mins away, by car, from the home.

Look at all the options and see what's good for the both of you not just your husband. As Ann said we're all here and many have experience with this with relatives and friends. A problem shared etc. :-)

Look after yourself.

:-) <3